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On the challenges of dating July 26, 2008

Posted by Raul in personal life, random thoughts.

Having been single for over four years now, it’s kind of interesting when people ask me if I am in a relationship, or whether I’m dating anyone. I have been in complicated relationships before (a term I commonly use for those is situationship — although I did not coin the term itself).

Recently, because of conversations with very close friends, I’ve started to reflect and think about the issue. Not in much depth, truth be told. But just began thinking about it again.

I haven’t paid much attention to dating as I’ve been lucky in that I get many of the perks and very few of the problems when I’m in a situationship.

Don’t get me wrong. I am a very loving guy, and for sure enjoy the idea of a life partner. There are complications to being in situationships too. But if I were to really buckle down and get serious with dating, there are still a few things that stand in the way, at least at the moment.

First, I need to find myself a job that will pay for the kind of lifestyle I want. Having a romance at this moment in my life is therefore pretty secondary. Second, I want to make sure to be in a relationship for the right reasons. I don’t want to be attached just because I am alone (and trust me on this one, I am NEVER alone — my weekend fills by Tuesday morning and if you are lucky, I’ll book you for next week). Third, I want to ensure that I am not chasing the perfect relationship. I am not perfect by any measure, nor do I want to be. I’m happy to grow with a partner as time goes by.

I’ve always been curious about what people think of the dating process, and particularly, of whether the fact that I’ve been out of practice for so long does make any difference to whether I will be able to find someone or not. Somebody told me that the only way that one can really develop the skills necessary to date is to engage in the process. I am someone who believes in learning by doing. That’s the reason why I took up modeling. That’s how I learned so many languages. I learned to be a bartender just because I thought I might need the skills sometime (I already have put them to good use, so …).

Therefore, my question is, should I just plunge in the dating pool just because I need the skill set?

Note – I’ve enabled comment moderation, so if you don’t see your comment posted, don’t take offense. I’m just a bit slow at the moment in getting through comments.



1. Barbara Doduk - July 26, 2008

Only you know when it is right to date, or get serious etc… it is your life, when it happens it happens.

Why moderation of commenting? eeek… I had done that a bit last week, when I had troll trouble, I took it off for the blogathon. Oddly the “troll” has been by over the blogathon but hasn’t posted a comment thankfully.


2. moritherapy - July 26, 2008

to be quite honest, i never quite understood what “dating” actually means. going to a bar/theatre/movie a few times with someone towards whom you have slight romantic/sexual inclinations? “going steady” for years but not living together? something or some things in between?

ram dass speaks beautifully about “being in love WITH someone” instead of “being in love with SOMEONE”, about being together, in love. i wrote about that somewhere on my blog. if i wasn’t so braindead from the blogathon i’d give you the link 🙂

3. David Chan - July 26, 2008

Really liked the fact you pointed out dating skills. I’ve known many people who are very outgoing and charming, and they get many dates. However, that’s when things go wrong – I suspect that’s due to a lack of dating skills.

4. Rob Cottingham - July 26, 2008

It takes the fingers of one hand to count the number of actual, genuine we’re-not-yet-in-a-relationship dates I’ve been on. Thankfully, that’s more than a decade behind me.

5. Mel - July 26, 2008

I was engaged to my high school sweetheart…was with him for almost five years in total. He broke up with me — twice. After that, I decided that it would take a really special guy to get me to be in a serious relationship again. I’m like you in that I have career & educational goals that I’m pursuing right now, and I don’t want to be in a relationship just to be in one. However, I’m not opposed to dating, so I’ve had a few “quasi-relationships” since the ex. But none of them have been guys that I could see myself being in anything long-term with, so I let things end naturally without getting attached. If nothing else, I got some good conversations and some dinners out of the deal! And I still think the right guy for me is out there somewhere…but I’m fine if it still takes a while for us to find each other.

6. luc - July 26, 2008

Maybe you’ve got the priorities order wrong? A job to provide for your lifestyle before a relationship?
How can one survive without love, no matter the quality of one’s job and its monetary compensation? “Dating” is the way, not the goal. I don’t know how to achieve a romantic relationship without meeting the people with the right potential.

7. Daniel McLaren - July 29, 2008

I remember reading about a survey in the Vancouver Sun which pointed to the fact that more and more young people are putting off love and tackling career or travel first. I think a steady, long-term relationship has a lot to offer but it can limit your potential in other directions. As luc mentioned, it’s all about priorities.

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